Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Just fell off a train. Bad.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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