omg he said he wants to insert his penis into my vagnia what do i say
tell him to stop quoting family guy
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
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