"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
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