Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
