im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
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