I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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