Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
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My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
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