All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
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