i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
