She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
Randomize
