We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
