I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
