you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Randomize
