When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
