did you get engaged???
I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Randomize
