Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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