they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
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