Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
