My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
