I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
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