The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
