how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Randomize
