I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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