I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
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