dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
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