It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
