She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Come back. Shots need mouths.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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