After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize
