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Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
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