That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
