After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
