I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
