When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
