Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
