is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
Randomize
