You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
