Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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