Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
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