I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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