I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
