When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
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