I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Is it wrong to beat off to a girl to determine if you like her or not?
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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