I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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