If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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