Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
