The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Randomize
