Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
