just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
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