Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
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Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
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also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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