when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
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