ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
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