i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
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