Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
