I think I died a long time ago.
I accidentally burped into my bong.
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
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